Return-Path: Received: from [149.73.0.252] (mac2.ses.com) by ses.com (4.1/SMI-4.1) id AA19176; Tue, 25 Jul 95 07:00:46 CDT Date: Tue, 25 Jul 95 07:00:44 CDT Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: humor@ses.com From: stojanik@ses.com (James Stojanik) Subject: texicon lexicons Status: R >X-Sender: jcd7106@tam2000.tamu.edu >Mime-Version: 1.0 >Date: Mon, 24 Jul 1995 21:46:52 -0600 >To: bnd6880@tam2000.tamu.edu, wakko@tamu.edu, MLeugs@aol.com, peej@tamu.edu, > vivianne_couts@cpqm.saic.com, chand010@gold.tc.umn.edu, ann@via.nl >From: hsoi@tamu.edu (John C. Daub) >Subject: texicon lexicons >Cc: weird-humor@eden.com > > >well, being here in Texas against my better judgement, I've decided that >I should..ahem...i shore 'nuff reckon i's oughts to be gittin' to soundin' >likes i be one of them thar peoples, be-in's as how i don't look like >a Texan, at least i shore can try un sound lik a Texan. :) > >clip and save for future reference, if-in's you's evers down this-a-ways > > >>>From: wichers@husc7.HARVARD.EDU Sat Jul 28 22:16:54 1990 >>>From: wichers@husc7.HARVARD.EDU (John Wichers) >>>Subject: Texas Crude >>> >>>Well, a week or so ago someone posted a request for Texasese (Texese?). >>>Anyway, I finally found this file buried deep in my archives. Enjoy. >>> >>> >>>Conversational Fragments >>>-------------- --------- >>> >>>"If it harelips the governor. . ." >>> 1. No matter what the cost >>> 2. Equals "come hell or high water. . ." and implies an implacable >>> determination to succeed in an endeavor, from working a crossword puzzle >>> to finagling the purchase of a select oil lease, even if to do so con- >>> stitutes a slap in the Face of the Law. "I know she's married, and I know >>> she loves her husband, and I know he's a big, mean, jealous man, but I'm >>> gonna bed her if it harelips the governor!" >>> >>>"Before I _____, I couldn't spit over my chin. But now that I _____, I can >>>spit all over my chin." >>> 1. This is a device used to demonstrate, albeit facetiously, how some- >>> thing, or someone, has brought about a radical improvement in the quality >>> of one's life. The blanks can be filled in with whatever pleases you: >>> "Before I joined the Moose Lodge, I couldn't. . ." Or, "Before I met your >>> mother, I couldn't spit over my chin, etc." >>> >>>"That'd gag a maggot!" >>> 1. Refers to something terminally disgusting. >>> >>>A Texican Lexicon >>>- ------- ------ >>> >>>to domino >>> 1. To give birth, to bear a child. >>> "Hows the wife?" >>> "Oh, she's fixin' to domino here about March or April." >>> >>>whipout >>> 1. Money. >>> "Got any whipout?" >>> "My new pickup cost me nine thousand whipout." >>> >>>graderblade >>> 1. A face, pretty or otherwise. >>> "Would you look at the graderblade on that new barmaid?" >>> >>>fawnching >>> 1. Complaining, sulking. >>> "Boy, you see that yard out there? Well that's my yard. Now, you see >>> that grass all over my yard? That's your grass. I want you to quit >>> fawnchin' around this house and get out there and get your grass off my >>> yard, 'cause it ain't gettin' anything but higher, and I ain't gettin' >>> anything but madder." >>> >>>stump-broke >>> 1. Unquestionably obedient. A "stump-broke" mule is a mule which has >>> been trained to back up to, and stand before a stump for purposes of >>> passive sexual intercourse. >>> "What's wrong with my nose? I'll tell you what's wrong with my nose. I >>> asked Gunther if he had his girl-friend stump-broke yet, and he hit me on >>> it, that's what." >>> >>>tricycle motor >>> 1. A chile. Also: house-ape, crumb-cruncher, curtain-climber, rug-rat >>> and yard-ape. >>> >>>snot-nose >>> 1. Arrogance. >>> "I'll tell you something, son. If you don't straighten up, the world is >>> gonna have a long party knockin' that snot-nose outa you." >>> >>>pissant >>> 1. Pejorative diminutive. >>> "Yeah, I know he's a sawed-off little ol' pissant, but you call him >>> 'shorty' and he'll stop your heart." >>> >>>mullygrubbing >>> 1. Sulking, petulant behavior. >>> "So your sister Darlene runned off with a albino motorcycle gang presi- >>> dent. Mullygrubbin' around the house ain't gonna help. Don't you worry, >>> Tyshonda, we'll find you somebody just as good!" >>> >>>to split the sheets >>> 1. To be separated or divorced. >>> "Me and the ol' lady split the sheets a year ago, and I'm growin' a toe- >>> nail on my dick, from fuckin' my socks." >>> >>>chingaladdo >>> 1. Anglo pronunciation of "chingadero", literally, fucker. Equates to >>> thingamajob, thingumbob, whatsis, and whatchamacallits of this ilk. >>> >>>Snakenavel >>> 1. A fictitious city, usually said to be in Idaho. Used to give someone >>> an idea of where you live. The wrong idea. >>> "I've been from Bumfuck, Egypt to Snakenavel, Idaho." >>> >>>murdercycle >>> 1. A motorcycle. >>> >>>Roebuckers >>> 1. Prosthetic dentures. >>> >>>left-handed cigarette >>> 1. Marijuana cigarette. >>> "I think that new guy's been smokin' some of that wacky backy. He just >>> came over and asked me if Tuesday combes before or after November." >>> >>>A Blue Tick-Plot cross bitch >>> 1. A female cross-bred raccoon-hunting hound. >>> >>>Beeshit >>> 1. Honey. >>> "She calls me 'beeshit,' 'cause I'm so sweet." >>> >>>Wickerbill >>> 1. Term of endearment. >>> "Lay down, you little wickerbill; I think I love you." >>> >>>henfruit, or cackleberries >>> 1. Chicken eggs. >>> >>>.. . .smooth. . . >>> 1. An in-fixed adjective. >>> "My cousin took one look at his new-born baby and fainted smooth away." >>> "That city boy fucked smooth up when he started makin' fun of Shorty." >>> >>>Horny. . .as a three-balled tomcat >>> 1. Describes one who has an exaggerated second chakra, hyperfunctioning >>> libido, or is in the throes of satyriasis. >>> "My cousin Aubrey's horny as a three-balled tomcat. He'd rather fuck than >>> eat, and he's hungry ALL the time!" >>> >>>Hungry. . .enough to eat the ass out of a menstuating skunk. >>> 1. I'd rather die. >>> >>>Slick. . .as two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot. >>> 1. Unseen but by the eye of the deranged mind. >>> >>>Sticks. . .like shit to a blanket. >>> 1. A truly existential stickiness, of which Sartre spoke. >>> >>>Strong. . .enough to stick his funger up his ass and hold himself out at >>>arm's >>> length. >>> 1. I'd pay a nickel to see that. >>> >>>Stubborn. . .as a fly. >>> 1. From the Spanish: "terco como una mosca." A fly will land on your >>> face a thousand times if for nothing else than the pleasure of waking you >>> up from a dead drunk. >>> >>>Sucks. . .like a bucket of ticks. >>> 1. Something, or someone, that "sucks" is of little value. >>> "This job sucks like a bucket of ticks." >>> >>>Tough. . .as a Mexican family. >>> 1. High toughness factor. Few social units have the solidarity of the >>> Mexican family. If you fight one member, you have to fight them all, >>> down to the last third cousin, twice removed. >>> >>>Ugly. . .as Death backing out of a shithouse reading "Mad Magazine". . . >>> "Leon talks about his wife like she was Miss America, but I saw her in the >>> Piggly Wiggly the other day, and let me tell you, that woman is as ugly as >>> Death backing out of a shithouse reading 'Mad Magazine'. . ." >>> >>>Wild. . .as a shithouse mouse. >>> 1. If you've ever stepped into a privy and found a mouse, you'll know how >>> wild with fear a little mouse can become. With no exit but the hole in >>> the seat, it's a dilemma no one, not even a mouse, should be faced with. >>> >>>Scattered. . .like a madwoman's shit >>> 1. Strewn about in great disorder. >>> "O.K.; you men're gonna have to clean up this tool room. You got tools >>> and junk and good God there's a month-old half a samwich on your lathe! >>> You got stuff scattered around here lake a madwoman's shit!" >>> >>>Boneyard >>> 1. In the oilfield, usually a great rusting heap of barely usable old >>> pipe connections, used for spare parts. >>> >>>To grab another cog. >>> 1. In the realm of the internal-combustion-powered vechicle, this means >>> to shift to a lower gear, as when pulling a heavy load up a steep grade. >>> >>>Stud duck (also: stud buzzard) >>> 1. The acknowledged leader or a clique, or community. >>> "Sheriff Buckshot is the stud duck around here, and if he tells you a >>> rooster can pull a freight train, you better get off the track." >>> >>>Back when snakes used to walk. >>> 1. Once upon a time, long ago. >>> >>>Eat up with the dumbass. >>> 1. Consumed with stupidity. >>> "When I saw ol' Delbert tryin' to siphon gas uphill, I knew for sure he >>> was eat up with the dumbass." >>> >>>Hyperboles, Similes, etc. >>>----------- -------- ---- >>> >>>Ass. . .like a black widow spider's. >>> 1. Possessed of a Callipygian luxuriance, or a big ass. >>> >>>Busy. . .as a cat in a feedlot. >>> 1. A cat could spend all nine lives trying to bury that manure. >>> >>>Crazy. . .as a football bat. >>> >>>Dry. . .as a fish fart rolled in sand. >>> >>>Fits. . .like a sock on a duck's nose. >>> 1. With nary a wrinkle. >>> "That knit suit fits her like a sock on a duck's nose." >>> >>>Grinnin'. . .like a cat eating shit out of a hairbrush. >>> "I remember back in the '50s when the whorehouse, the Chicken Ranch in La >>> Grange, Texas, was in operation. One night me and Beaky and Toenails and >>> Jim Bob went. I had got ten dollars from my Granny for my eighteenth >>> birthday, so I spent five of it on what they called a 'short date." And >>> short it was: a regular 'wham, bam, thank you, Ma'am.' Anyway Jim Bob >>> went in, lost his cherry, and when he walked back out to the car, he was >>> grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush. I asked him what was >>> so funny and he told us he's tore that gal a new one. He said she told >>> him to put it in, and when he said it WAS in, she started hollerin' like >>> he was killin' her!" >>> >>>Happy. . .as a queer in Boy's Town. >>> >>>Exclamations & Ejaculata >>>------------ - --------- >>> >>>"Ive seen a goat-roping, a fat stock show, and a duck fart under water, >>>but it >>>that don't beat any damn thing I've EVER seen, I'll put in with you!!" >>> 1. Indicates terminal astonishment on the part of the speaker. I heard >>> it once (directed at me), when I walked into the El Campo, Texas, lodge- >>> house of the Benebolent and Protective Order of the Elk, No. 1402, in >>> 1969. The fact that I had hair down to the middle of my back and looked >>> like a cross between an ugly Viking and an orangutan may have had some- >>> thing to do with it. >>> >>>"Boy?! Don't you call ME 'Boy'! I got a yard of dick, a number two washtub >>>full of balls, and enough hair on my ass to weave an Indian blanked, and you >>>call me 'Boy'???" >>> 1. If anybody ever calls you "Boy", you're ready. >>> >>>"I don't give a national fuck!" >>> 1. The speaker could not possible care any less than he already doesn't. >>> >>>A Selection of Handy Phrases Apropos of Violence >>>- --------- -- ----- ------- ------- -- -------- >>> >>>"They ought to put Chinese handcuffs on their dicks and let 'em fight it >>>out." >>> 1. This evokes a bizarre image, if you remember that Chinese handcuffs >>> are those woven straw tubes into which your index fingers are inserted. >>> >>>". . .from asshole to appetite. . ." >>> 1. From anus to gullet. This is where people sometimes get cut, from. . >>> to, and mortally every time. >>> "He cut that sumbitch from asshole to appetite. Gutted him like a deer. >>> God, he looked like a red canoe layin' there on the ground." >>> >>>Wall-to-wall counseling >>> 1. A physical beating given with the ultimate aim of redirecting the >>> behavior of the beatee. >>> >>>That Drinkin' Thing >>>---- -------- ----- >>> >>>"Whiskey when you're sick makes you well. Whiskey makes you sick when you're >>>well." >>> 1. If you can repeat the above couplet after two or three hours of >>> quaffing cold ones, then have a few more and try again. Stop drinking >>> when you can't repeat it correctly. >>> >>>"I got a D.W.I. last week for not having enough blood in my alcohol stream." >>> >>>"You don't buy beer, you rent it." >>> 1. Reference to the short period of time you actually possess beer before >>> it leaves you. >>> >>>Knee-crawlin', snot-slingin' drunk >>> 1. A severe degree of drunkenness, after enduring which all your friends >>> feel compelled to give you reports on what you did, what you said to whom, >>> and who's gunning for you. >>> >>>"It's gettin' drunk out(side). >>> 1. Means it's getting drunk inside the speaker. >>> >>>"Fourteen Feathers" >>> 1. Thunderbird wine, fourteen being the number of feathers on the wings >>> of the bird on the label. >>> >>>Cowboy cool >>> 1. "Chambre", room temperature, referring to beer. It's called "cowboy >>> cool" even if the "room" is the trunk of a car on a hot summer day. >>> "I don't have any cold beers, but you're welcome to one of these if you >>> don't mind it being cowboy cool." >>> >>>Whiskey dents >>> 1. Those irregularities, large and small, that you find in your car (or >>> on your head) after a night at the shrine of Bacchus. >>> "He's got so many whiskey dents on his car, the fenders look like wash- >>> boards." >>> >>>Calf-slobber >>> 1. Foam on a head of beer. >>> "I like to pour it into the glass real fast to get a good head of calf- >>> slobber on it." >>> >>>The bird >>> 1. Austin Nichols' Wild Turkey Whiskey. "The Bird" is spoken of with >>> reverence around the evening campfires of Texas "whiskophiles." >>> "I've never seen anybody that loved that ol' Bird as much as Jim Ed. When >>> he buys a bottle, he just throws the cap away. Always holds his nose when >>> he drinks it, too. Says the aroma, he calls it 'the bo-kay,' reminds him >>> of Texas so much he starts cryin', and he don't like to dilute his whiskey >>> with tears." >>> >>>"She heaved a couple of times, then she hit fluid." >>> 1. Firsthand description of an oilfield worker's girlfriend drunk to the >>> point of regurgitation. In the oilfield, "hitting fluid" can mean >>> striking oil. >>> >>>And a few lines about the Dark One, the Hangover, who Waits in the Wings: >>> >>>"I feel like hammered dogshit." >>>"I feel like I was eat by a coyote and then shit off a cliff." >>>"I feel like I was shot at and missed, shit at and hit." >>> >>>Sex, and other Bodily Functions >>>---- --- ----- ------ --------- >>> >>>Assjack >>> 1. A small cushion kept in the back seat of one's car, used for elevating >>> the pelvis of the sexual partner, facilitating entry and deeper penetra- >>> tion. Should anyone ask, the cushion is for resting Granny's neck on long >>> Sunday drives. >>> "Damn, Elon! That you assjack smells so bad?! You ought to burn that >>> thing, or cut it up into catfish bait!" >>> >>>To pack someone's peanut butter >>> 1. To commit aggressive anal sex. >>> >>>The Flying "T" >>> 1. An acrobatic sexual stunt in which the lady is placed standing on her >>> head, legs spread, given mouth-to-vagina resuscitation, while the legs are >>> cranked back and forth. Stop when she's drilled into the ground up to her >>> navel. >>> >>>"When my dick gets hard it draws up so much skin I can't even close my eyes." >>> 1. Now we know why elephants are so wrinkly. >>> >>>A Blue-Steel Hardon >>> 1. An adamantine erection. The difference between a regular hardon and >>> and a Blue-Steel hardon is: when you press downward on a regular hardon >>> and release it, it springs back up and slaps you in the belly two or three >>> times. When you press down on a Blue-Steeler, your feet fly out rearward >>> from beneath you. >>> >>>". . .let me just put the head in. . ." >>> 1. This means, "Allow me to just insert the glans penis, and I promise >>> not to take advantage." A lie. A pathetic, oft-attempted line which >>> never works. No wonder there's a Women's Liberation Movement. >>> >>>"How's you hammer hangin'?" >>> 1. A general greeting with penile undertones. Or hardware overtones. >>> >>>"When a man gets fuckin' on his mind all his brains go into the head of his >>>dick." >>> 1. With room to spare. >>> >>>Lip wrasslin' >>> 1. Osculation. >>> "I hate to pick J.L. up for work. Him and his wife stand there and lip- >>> wrassle for ten minutes before he's ready to go. Sounds like a toothless >>> tomato-eatin' contest." >>> >>>Swappin' spit >>> 1. Osculation >>> >>>Gudentight >>> 1. German word for "virgin." >>> >>>Duckbutter >>> 1. Smegma. >>> >>>"I'm not prone to argue. . ." >>> 1. That is to say, "Contention is not the primary reason I'm lying naked >>> beside you. . ." >>> >>>"I was so mad at my wife I sat on the side of the bed and jacked off just to >>>show my independence." >>> >>>"It's o.k. to lope your mule if he comes up, but it's not o.k. to call >>>him up." >>> 1. This means that if you have an erection, it's acceptable to mastur- >>> bate; it is, however, unacceptable to arouse yourself for the purpose of >>> masturbation. >>> >>>"This won't hurt, did it?" >>> 1. Texas foreplay. >>> >>>"Gettin' any mud for your turtle?" >>> 1. "Have you engaged in sex lately?" >>> >>>". . .gave my dick a dishonorable discharge. . ." >>> 1. Masturbated. >>> "When I was in the army, a sergeant caught me in the shower in the process >>> of giving my dick a dishonorable discharge. I looked him straight in the >>> eye and told him it was my dick and I could wash it as fast as I wanted >>> to. Never missed a stroke, either." >>> >>>"They go off in the bushes and bump dickheads, I reckon." >>> 1. Erroneous speculation of sex between consenting males. The above re- >>> mark was made by a Texas cowboy concerning the enigma of male homosex- >>> uality. >>> >>>And it came to Pass: Gas >>>--- -- ---- -- ----- --- >>> >>>"Son, the next time you eat a skunk, try peelin' it first" >>> >>>"Rave on, Toothless Wonder!" >>> >>>"Well, your voice has changed, but your breath smells the same." >>> >>>A Few Meteorological Observations >>>- --- -------------- ------------ >>> >>>"It got so cold my dick drawed up almost to my knee." >>> >>>"It was rainin' frogs fuckin' ducks." >>> >>>"The rain was so spotty the other day, I was out huntin' and had my double- >>>barreled shotgun leanin' up against a tree and it only rained in one barrel." >>> >>>"It was rainin' like a double-cunted cow pissin' off a forty-foot cliff >>>through >>>a screen onto a flat rock." >>> >>>Philosophical Observations >>>------------- ------------ >>> >>>"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up >>>first." >>> 1. Wishful thinking is far less likely to produce results than direct >>> action. >>> >>>"Blood is thicker than water, but come (cum) is thicker than blood." >>> 1. Members of one's family deserve more loyalty than those outside the >>> family, but one's spouse deserves more loyalty than even blood relatives. >>> If you have to take sides between you wife (or husband), and a member of >>> your family, your mate always comes first. >>> >>>"You buy 'em books and you buy 'em books and they just chew on the covers." >>> 1. Some people are impervious to the counsel of Wisdom. They just can't, >>> or won't learn. >>> > >* John C. Daub, aka Hsoi | mailto:hsoi@tamu.edu * >* Grad Student, Lab Manager | WWW URL: http://tam2k.tamu.edu/~jcd7106/ * >* Self-proclaimed Mac Guru | Department of Speech Communication * >* Will program for food. | Texas A&M University, USA * >* No snappy quote, just direct flames to /dev/null * >