> Subj: Fwd:  Little Red Riding Hood
> 
>         Little Red Riding Hood (politcally corrected) humor
> 
>   There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the
> edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would
> probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
> 
>   Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as
> "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
> thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
> Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households.
> 
>   One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
> mineral water to her grandmother's house.  "But mother, won't this be stealing
> employment from the unionized workers who have struggled for years to earn the
> right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"  Red Riding
> Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a
> special compassionate mission exemption.
> 
>   "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
> 
>   Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
> oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were
> free.
> 
>   "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's
> an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
> 
>   And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
> special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical woman's
> work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
> 
>   "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
> unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
> 
>   Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick
> or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to
> imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called
> "health."
> 
>   Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
> the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
> 
>   Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place,
> but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural
> paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as
> an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were, in
> fact, intolerable competitors.  Other people  avoided the woods for fear of
> thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood  felt that in a truly classless
> society all marginalized peoples would be  able to "come out" of the woods and
> be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
> 
>   On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
> wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.  She was startled to
> find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
> 
>   Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she
> was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to
> dialogue with the Wolf.
> 
>   The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
> through these woods alone.
> 
>   Red Riding Hood replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in
> a gesture of solidarity.  I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
> but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
> society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet
> entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my
> way."  Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
> Grandmother's house.
> 
>   But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence
> to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
> house.  He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
> of his nature as a predator.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender
> role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes,
> and awaited developments.
> 
>   Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you
> some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing
> matriarch."
> 
>   The Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
> 
>   Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
> 
>   "You forget that I am optically challenged."
> 
>   "And Grandma, what an enormous, fine nose you have."
> 
>   "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but didn't
> give in to such societal pressures, my child."
> 
>   "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
> 
>   The Wolf could not take any more of these speciesist slurs, and, in reaction
> appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red
> Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor
> grandmother digesting in his belly.
> 
>   "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood shouted bravely.  "You
> must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
> 
>   The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
> At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.
> "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
> 
>   "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  "If I
> let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
> abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on
> college entrance exams."
> 
>   "Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!": screamed
> the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden
> motion, he sliced off her head.
> 
>   "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and her
> grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."
> 
>   "No, I think I'm the real victim here," said the woodchopper.  "I've been
> dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
> earlier.  Do you have any aspirin?"
> 
>   "Sure," said the Wolf.  "Thanks..  I feel your pain."  And the Wolf patted
> the woodchopper on his back, gave a little belch, and asked, "Do you have any
> Maalox?"
> 
> ----- End Included Message -----