>      WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE MAD COWS IN BRITAIN
>      
>      New Delhi, April 2 (Reuters)--A Hindu group in India offered today to 
>      shelter British cows threatened with slaughter because of mad cow 
>      disease. --The Times
>      
>      "Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our 
>      very eyes in black and white." -- A Cambodian newspaper, quoted in the 
>      Times, on using British cows to detonate unexploded land mines
>      
>      BERLIN, N.H.--Republican Presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan 
>      today proposed that the United States import the 4.7 million British 
>      cows affected by mad-cow disease and deploy them across the 
>      U.S.-Mexican border to deter illegal immigrants.
>      
>      DALLAS--Ross Perot today attacked the idea of deploying cows along the 
>      U.S.-Mexican border, saying that hungry illegal immigrants would be 
>      likely to "take a bite of 'em on the way over and then we'd end up 
>      with tens of thousands of crazy Mexicans running around. I ask you," 
>      he told a crowd, "is that the America we want to leave for our  
>      grandchildren?"
>      
>      FAIRFAX, Va.--The National Rifle Association today announced that it 
>      has offered to send its entire 3.3 million membership over to England 
>      to assist with its massive cow-culling effort. NRA executive Wayne 
>      LaPierre said that if Britain did not have such stringent gun-control 
>      laws, "they'd have been able to nip this problem at the start." He 
>      called on congress
>      to immediately repeal the ban on some types of assault rifle, 
>      including the .50-calibre Elsie Eliminator, so that the membership can 
>      "do the job right."
>      
>      BOGOTA--Luis Alfonso Maquilon Amaya, a head trafficker for the Cali 
>      cocaine cartel, is reportedly trying to buy up all 4.7 million mad 
>      British cows on the black market. According to sources here, the plan 
>      is to stuff the cows full of cocaine and ship them to the United 
>      States. "Normally we have problems with customs when the bags break 
>      inside and the animals make a big scene," a source said. "But a vaca 
>      loca isn't bothered too much by even a couple of kilos in its 
>      bloodstream."
>      
>      CANBERRA--The Australian government has said it will take delivery of 
>      all British mad cows. Trade Minister Tim Fischer said that the plan 
>      is to "float the cows off beaches so the sharks will eat them instead 
>      of tourists and the odd Prime Minister."
>      
>      LOS ANGELES--Entertainer Michael Jackson and Saudi Prince Al Waleed Bin 
>      Talal announced today that they will create a theme-park home for all 
>      British cows afflicted with mad-cow disease. Stroking a cow's forelock 
>      as he spoke at the press conference in a barely audible whisper, the 
>      singer would not provide details of the amusement park or venture to 
>      explain why people would pay to be with millions of mad cows other than 
>      to say it would be "really, really wonderful."
>      
>      WASHINGTON--Mayor Marion Barry today offered to use Britain's mad cows 
>      to fill District of Columbia potholes. The one problem, he said, is 
>      that there are only 4.7 million cows, and the district has 7.8
>      million potholes.
>      
>      JORDAN, Mont.--The FBI plans to stampede more than four million
>      mad British cows in an effort to force the Montana Freemen to end
>      their stand- off, it has been learned. FBI director Louis Freeh
>      declined to comment on reports that British Hercules C-130 cargo
>      planes have been observed dropping large numbers of cows by
>      parachute near the standoff area.
>      
>      BEIJING--China announced today that it plans to conduct "amphibious 
>      mad-cow exercises" in the Taiwan Strait. Secretary of State Warren 
>      Christopher warned China's leadership that the U.S. viewed the 
>      development "seriously."
>      
>      NEW YORK--The Council of Fashion designers of America said today that 
>      it would use British mad cows in its runway shows. "Fashion 
>      recognizes its responsibility to help," said C.F.D.A. director Fern 
>      Mallis. "The cows are very contemporary, they look great in leather, 
>      and their eyes have the look."
>      
>      HOLLYWOOD--A group of actors and actresses has called on prime 
>      Minister John Major to "stop the slaughter" of British mad cows and 
>      "do something positive instead, like vaccinate them or whatever." "We 
>      feel the government hasn't done enough," said Liam Neeson. Neeson said 
>      he has felt sympathetic toward British cows ever since the filming of 
>      the movie "Rob Roy," in which he escaped from soldiers by hiding 
>      inside the carcass of a large, decomposing Hereford. The group, 
>      Centrally United to Denounce the Slaughter (CUDS), plans to 
>      distribute lapel udders with ribbons.
>      
>      OAK BROOK, Ill--The McDonalds Corporation announced today its plans 
>      to introduce a new line of sandwiches next month called Mad Macs.
>      
>      Did you hear that Montana has a new state slogan? 
>      "At least our cows are sane!"