> > Are you an ENGINEER? > > > > > > THE TEST > > > > You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging > > crooked, You... > > A. Straighten it. > > B. Ignore it. > > C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a > > solar-powered, > > self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your > > belief that > > the > > inventor of the nail was a total moron. > > The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to > > anybody who > > writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply > > blames the whole > > stupid thing on "Marketing." > > > > FASHION AND APPEARANCE > > > > Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic > > thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no > > appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no > > private parts or > > mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the > > objective of > > clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. > > > > SOCIAL SKILLS > > > > Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social > > interaction. > > "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from > > social > > interaction: > > * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation > > * Important social contacts > > * A feeling of connectedness with other humans > > > > In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for > > social interactions: > > * Get it over with as soon as possible. > > * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. > > * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. > > > > > > FASCINATION WITH GADGETS > > > > To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed > > into one of two > > categories: > > 1. Things that need to be fixed, and > > 2. things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to > > play > > with them. > > > > Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily > > available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't > > understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, > > don't fix > > it. > > Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have > > enough features > > yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without > > wondering > > what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a > > shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make > > showering > > unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of > > sub-optimized > > and feature-poor toys. > > > > > > LOVE OF "STAR TREK" > > > > Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and > > movies. It's a > > small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise are > > portrayed > > as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is much more > > glamorous than the real social life of an engineer. > > > > > > DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE > > > > Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will > > employ various > > indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of > > attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above > > function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. > > They are widely > > recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, > > employed, > > honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal > > people > > would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an > > intense > > desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like > > children who will > > have high-paying jobs long before they start dating. > > > > Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later than > > normal > > men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid > > thirties to late > > forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in technical > > professions: > > * Bill Gates. > > * MacGyver. > > * Etcetera. > > > > Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age of > > consent > > and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death. > > > > > > HONESTY > > > > Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human > > relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from > > customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the > > truth. > > Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that > > sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could > > be expected > > to > > believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below: > > * "I won't change anything without asking you first." > > * "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." > > * "I have to have new equipment to do my job." > > * "I'm not jealous of your new computer." > > > > > > FRUGALITY > > > > Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or > > mean > > spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is > > simply a problem > > in > > optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while > > retaining > > the > > greatest amount of cash?" > > > > > > POWERS OF CONCENTRATION > > > > If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the > > ability to > > concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of > > everything else > > in > > the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead > > prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have > > started checking > > resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree > > in electrical > > engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the > > lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. > > > > > > > > RISK > > > > Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they > > can. This is > > understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little > > mistake, the > > media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. > > > > > > EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS > > * Hindenburg. > > * Space Shuttle Challenger. > > * SPANet(tm) > > * Hubbell space telescope. > > * Apollo 13. > > * Titanic. > > * Ford Pinto. > > * Corvair. > > > > The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: > > * RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of > > innocent people. > > * REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. > > > > Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and > > rewards > > and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to > > avoid risk is > > by > > advising that any activity is technically impossible for > > reasons that are > > far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to > > halt > > a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line > > of defense: > > "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." > > > > > > EGO > > > > Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: > > * How smart they are. > > * How many cool devices they own. > > > > The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to > > declare that > > the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an > > unsolvable > > problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is > > sufficient to get > > the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become > > personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. > > Engineers > > will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other > > times > > just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving > > the problem > > they > > will experience an ego rush that is better than anything else. > > > > Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that > > somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that > > knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an > > engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase > > that means it's > > not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to > > glance at the > > engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something > > along these > > lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult > > technical problems." > > > > At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand > > between > > the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the > > problem like > > a > > starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.