From jdburton@onr.com Wed Sep 30 08:45:08 1998 Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 08:30:31 -0500 From: John Burton To: chuck sealy , Chuck Sealy , Cynthia Darwin , Dave Butler , Dolly Garlo , Humor , Jerry Burton , joe grimes , "K. Stuart Smith" , Karen Durston , Kathy Nichols , Kim Burton , Linda Wolfe , Melanie Thomas , Phil Bautista , Randy Leo , Rich Shoemaker , Roger Simon , Tech Support , Terrell Thomas Subject: Humor - [Fwd:Humor:Airline Stories Part ] You guys who do a lot of traveling will appreciate these-- [ Part 2: "Attached Text" ] Received: from lugb.latrobe.edu.au (lugb.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.4.1]) by sierra.onr.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id VAA27935 for ; Tue, 29 Sep 1998 21:50:24 -0500 (CDT) Received: from lugb.latrobe.edu.au (lugb.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.4.1]) by lugb.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA31038; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:42:34 +1000 (EST) Received: from LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU by LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8c) with spool id 35210 for GSD-L@LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:42:32 +1000 Received: from luga.latrobe.edu.au (luga.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.2.2]) by lugb.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA28897 for ; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:42:31 +1000 (EST) Received: from mail.cei.net (mail.cei.net [204.117.117.29]) by luga.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA13865 for ; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:42:27 +1000 (EST) Received: from gturley (max2000-28.hnb.com [204.180.120.94]) by mail.cei.net (8.8.8/8.8.6) with SMTP id VAA18734 for ; Tue, 29 Sep 1998 21:42:20 -0500 (CDT) X-Sender: gturley@mail.cei.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32) Mime-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: <3.0.32.19980929171201.00698034@mail.cei.net> Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 17:12:04 -0500 Reply-To: "Gibson Turley Jr." Sender: GSD-L list From: "Gibson Turley Jr." Subject: Non GSD Humor:Airline Stories Part 2 Comments: To: GSD-L@latrobe.edu.au To: GSD-L@lugb.latrobe.edu.au Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" >>>>"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your >>>>belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the >>>>flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last >>>>one off the plane must clean it." >>>> >>>>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have >>>>some of the best flight attendants in the industry... >>>>Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" >>>> >>>>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered >>>>his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which >>>>required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers >>>>exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said >>>>that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the >>>>passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart >>>>comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old >>>>lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a >>>>question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little >>>>old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" >>>> >>>>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a >>>>particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the >>>>Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard >>>>landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies >>>>and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with >>>>your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our >>>>airplane to the gate!" >>>> >>>>Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We >>>>ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the >>>>terminal." >>>> >>>>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a >>>>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care >>>>when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like >>>>that, sure as hell everything has shifted." >>>> >>>>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest >>>>Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab >>>>into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other >>>>seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably >>>>shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden >>>>loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. >>>>Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have >>>>a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting >>>>with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now >>>>which one you love more. >>>> >>>>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but >>>>they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and >>>>remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest >>>>Airlines." >>>> >>>> >> >> > > [ Part 3: "Attached Text" ] Received: from lugb.latrobe.edu.au (lugb.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.4.1]) by sierra.onr.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id VAA27777 for ; Tue, 29 Sep 1998 21:49:28 -0500 (CDT) Received: from lugb.latrobe.edu.au (lugb.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.4.1]) by lugb.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA15850; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:41:39 +1000 (EST) Received: from LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU by LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8c) with spool id 35204 for GSD-L@LUGB.LATROBE.EDU.AU; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:41:35 +1000 Received: from luga.latrobe.edu.au (luga.latrobe.edu.au [131.172.2.2]) by lugb.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA30325 for ; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:41:34 +1000 (EST) Received: from mail.cei.net (mail.cei.net [204.117.117.29]) by luga.latrobe.edu.au (8.8.6/8.6.9) with ESMTP id MAA14096 for ; Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:41:30 +1000 (EST) Received: from gturley (max2000-28.hnb.com [204.180.120.94]) by mail.cei.net (8.8.8/8.8.6) with SMTP id VAA16565 for ; Tue, 29 Sep 1998 21:41:21 -0500 (CDT) X-Sender: gturley@mail.cei.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32) Mime-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: <3.0.32.19980929171058.00698034@mail.cei.net> Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 17:11:07 -0500 Reply-To: "Gibson Turley Jr." Sender: GSD-L list From: "Gibson Turley Jr." Subject: Non-GSD Humor: Airline Stories Part One Comments: To: GSD-L@latrobe.edu.au To: GSD-L@lugb.latrobe.edu.au Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" > >>>AIRLINE STORIES >>>> >>>>Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight >>>>safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples >>>>that have been heard or reported: >>>> >>>>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways >>>>out of this airplane..." >>>> >>>>"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an >>>>emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." >>>> >>>>"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, >>>>contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing >>>>of the airplane. >>>> >>>>"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking >>>>in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." >>>> >>>>Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am >>>>going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as >>>>you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit >>>>cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight >>>>pattern." >>>> >>>>And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We >>>>hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking >>>>you for a ride." >>>> >>>>As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in >>>>front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage >>>>from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, >>>>"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that >>>>monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in >>>>their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at >>>>the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." >>>> >>>>Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our >>>>cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm >>>>switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with >>>>all of you for the rest of the flight." >>>> >>>>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a >>>>lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!" >>>> >>>>"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the >>>>overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose >>>>before assisting children or adults acting like children." >>>>