Subject: Humor - 12 days of thank-yous


12/13
Dear Love,
How sweet of you to send the partridge!  What a darling you are.  I
love you, my precious one.  And the pear tree -- how thoughtful!
Love, Kathy

12/14
Dear Tommy,
Those two turtle doves are absolutely the sweetest little birds I have
ever seen!  Cooing in their golden cage, they're a perfect complement
to the partridge.  You're a darling, sweet man.
Love, Kathy

12/15
Dearest Tom,
You really were sweet to send me still another gift, and you are such a
kidder.  Three more birds!  Who else would have thought to
send someone three French hens to go with her two turtle doves and a
partridge.  They will be a bit of trouble to clean up after, but since
they're from you, I guess they're worth it.
Love, Kathy

12/16
Dear Tom,
What a sense of humor, ha, ha!  Four calling birds, giving me a total
of ten birds in a studio apartment where I wasn't supposed to have
pets at all.  The racket really is too much.  They don't call them
"calling birds"  for nothing, you know.  They set off the French hens, and
now the turtle doves are cooing around the clock.  The partridge looks
sick.  Thanks again, I guess.
Love, Kathy

12/17
Dearest Tommy,
Now I see what all this has been leading up to: five golden rings!  I
had no idea you cared so much and I am overwhelmed by your lovely
gift.  I hardly care about the feathers and the seeds on my carpet or
the mess the French hens are making.  Naturally you won't want to send
me any more gifts.  But I shall always treasure your thoughtfulness
and your love in giving me the rings.
All my love, Kathy

12/18
Dear Tom,
Not funny, Tom.  Your six geese a-laying have nearly ruined my
bathroom, and I don't even eat the eggs.  Now that you've had your little
joke, I hope you'll come and take them off my hands before the
neighbors complain.
Love, Kathy

12/19
Tom,
Come and get these seven swans out of my bathtub or we're finished.  It
was bad enough have 16 birds in the apartment, but the swans are
splashing water all over the bathroom and it's turning the goose shit
into a stinking  lake. The carpet is badly stained.  I can't call
Animal Control because I'm embarrassed about the mess.  Get over here
and help me out of this immediately.
Kathy

12/20
Thomas,
I can hardly write this because of the uproar from your eight maids
a-milking and their damned cows.  All your lovely birds are covered
with cow shit.  The maids are quarreling among themselves, and I barely
have enough money to buy hay.  I don't know where you got these women,
but if they aren't gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police.  I'd be
evicted if my landlord weren't out of town.  What are you trying to
prove anyway?
Kathryn

12/21
Tom, you bastard,
Nine ladies dancing would be bad enough, but these so-called ladies are
STRANGE.  When they're not dancing and breaking things, they're
fighting with the milkmaids, putting on airs, and eating everything in
the place.   You can call it dancing if you want, but they'd get
arrested in most nightclubs.  It's disgusting.  Three of them have been
hurt slipping in the cow shit and one of them is chasing the French
hens with a hatchet.  I can't stand it another day; the chaos is
driving me crazy.
Kathryn

12/22
You son of a bitch, you've gone too far.  Ten lords a-leaping are now
jumping all over the milkmaids and the ladies you stupidly sent, not
to mention jumping over each other.  Half of them are gay and the
other half are pawing all of us.  Two of the milkmaids have locked
themselves in the bathroom in spite of the geese and swans and the
racket and their slimy droppings.  Have you ever seen lords
a-leaping?  They're gross!  If you have any heart at all, you'll get
the perverted bastards out of here.  The partridge, I might add, is
dead. I've lost the damned rings in the muck.  I called the police but
they laughed at me.  I don't know where to turn.
You know who

12/23
Mr. Thomas Furley:
I suppose you'll be happy to know that eleven pipers piped their way
into my apartment today and all hell broke loose.  The noise
stampeded the cows.  They ran into the parking lot, injuring several
neighbors who had come out to see what the noise was all about.  Bird
shit and bath water finally broke through the floor of the apartment
and flooded the apartment downstairs.  An Animal Control officer went
after the cows but accidentally shot a leaping lord with his
tranquilizer gun.  One of the dancing ladies thinks she is pregnant.
The milkmaids have taken over.  One of them runs naked through the
apartment complex.  The geese and swans are in the swimming pool and
the boys are throwing rocks at them.  I was attacked by a leaping
lord.  The calling birds have pulled out most of my hair for nests,
which they are building in the chandelier.  I am so upset that I
strangled the turtle doves.  They were sweet, but I just couldn't take
any more!  The stench is unbearable.  The air is filled with feathers.
The pipers won't stop piping.  All is lost, LOST.
Your avowed enemy, Kathy

12/24
Mr. Furley:
I am writing this on behalf of my client, Miss Kathryn Gudge, who is
now under psychiatric care at Sunny Hills Hospital.  Apparently your
gift of twelve drummers drumming proved to be more than she could
bear.  A suit has been filed charging you with $4,000,000 in damages to
an apartment complex  and 37 persons, including an Animal Control
officer who alleges that six vicious geese have deprived him of his 
virility.
Joseph Monk, Attorney at Law